By Janet Hawk & Liz Palar
Let’s start with something 95 percent of us can probably agree on: We hate difficult conversations.
There’s no one-size-fits-all response when a guest is angry, frustrated, or demanding something you can’t give them. And when emotions start running high, there are two people in that conversation whose behavior matters — the guest’s and yours. Unfortunately, you only have control over one of them.
There’s actually some biology behind why these conversations can go south so quickly. When your brain senses a threat, your amygdala kicks in and starts pumping out cortisol and adrenaline. Those stress hormones affect the part of your brain responsible for rational thought, decision-making, and empathy.
To put it very simply, the angrier or more anxious we get, the dumber we get.
That’s why telling an angry guest to “calm down” works approximately never.
Janet learned this the hard way early in her career when she tried a de-escalation technique she had been taught. She suggested that an extremely angry guest take a deep breath.
The response? “I’m not going to f@*%ing breathe.”
Point taken.
Practice the Pause
Before you can de-escalate somebody else, you have to recognize what’s happening in your own body. Maybe you clench your jaw. Maybe your shoulders tighten. Maybe you can feel yourself thinking, “Oh God, here we go.”
Know your signs. Then practice the pause.
Don’t immediately react. Don’t assume you already know what the guest is going to say because you’ve heard the complaint 400 times before. And don’t start forming your response while they’re still talking.
Listen.
They may start by complaining about their offer, but the real issue is that their card didn’t work at the machine. Or they got into a fight with their spouse before they walked through the casino doors, and you just happened to be the lucky sucker standing there when they arrived.
Our guests want what every human being wants: to be seen, to be heard, and to know they matter. Sometimes simply giving them the opportunity to tell you what happened can change the temperature of the entire conversation.
Empathy Doesn’t Mean Agreement
You can acknowledge how someone feels without agreeing with what they’re saying.
“I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“I can understand why that upset you.”
Period. Not dot, dot, dot followed by a 10-minute explanation of why they’re wrong.
That’s professional empathy. And it can exist right alongside boundaries. In fact, it has to.
We’ve all heard, “The customer is always right.”
B@*%shit.
The original idea was that the customer is always right in matters of taste. Somewhere along the way, we turned that into permission for guests to behave however they want while employees smile, apologize, and occasionally throw a comp at them so they’ll go away.
When you reward bad behavior, guess what you get? More bad behavior.
Set the Boundaries
Player development is relationship marketing, and relationships matter. But there is a fine line between being caring, warm, and empathetic and allowing the player relationship to take over your life.
Your players are not your therapists. You are not their therapist. You can own the relationship without taking personal responsibility for every part of the guest’s casino experience.
Hosts need boundaries around time, availability, comps, and personal relationships. Those boundaries also protect the property. We work in a highly regulated industry, and making an exception because somebody complained loudly enough can create compliance and fairness problems. Worse, that guest is probably going to tell six other gamblers exactly what worked.
You can still be kind. You can still care. Just remember who signs your check.
Focus on What You CAN Do
One of the fastest ways to make an unhappy guest even unhappier is to hide behind policy.
“Well, gaming won’t let us.”
“They said we can’t.”
Who exactly is they?
Everywhere we’ve worked, apparently “they” worked there too. We’re pretty sure they’ve been fired by now.
Use policies as anchors, not excuses. If you can’t do what the guest is asking, move the conversation toward what you can do. Give options when possible and involve the guest in the solution.
- Listen first. Solve second. Make sure you understand the actual problem before trying to fix it.
- Be clear and direct. Avoid “always” and “never,” and don’t exaggerate to make your point.
- Make the language your own. Nobody wants to hear a host recite a policy script, but the message still needs to be consistent.
- Document, document, document. CYA, baby. Good CRM notes keep the entire team consistent and stop the old “Mommy told me no, so I’ll go ask Daddy” routine.
- Follow up without fail. If you say you’re going to do something, do it.
Consistency matters because professionalism builds trust. And here’s something that comes even before trust: honesty.
“Got to be honest. Got to be direct. That builds the trust.”
You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to blow a difficult conversation occasionally. You may even blow it in spectacular fashion. None of us is perfect — sorry to those of you clutching your pearls.
What matters is what you do next.
Recognize the emotion. Practice the pause. Listen. Be empathetic without surrendering your boundaries. Focus on what you can do, work toward a solution together, and follow through.
Difficult conversations don’t define great hosts. How they handle them does.
And whatever you do, don’t tell them to calm down.
