It may very well be true that we learned all our most important life skills in kindergarten, and in these divisive times, it is important to practice excellence in communication and integrity.
A friend once told me that at her children’s school, the teachers ask the students to consider three questions before they speak with each other.
They call them the Three Gates: “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?”
The term “gates” implies one must pass through each before entering. While they are straightforward, applying them can be challenging. However, if we think of them as a purifying filter before speaking, we are much more likely to stay in alignment with ourselves and be in a position to truly provide guidance and leadership.
Is it true?
This can be a bit tricky because we can be steeped in what feels true to us or biased by a belief we hold. The human mind is designed to categorize and generalize information, but in order for us to ascertain what is true, we have to step back, look at the source, and be cautious with our knee-jerk reactions.
Break down the idea into what is objectively factual. This asks us to let go of assumptions and hearsay. Keep the communication based on the facts. If I say that the person is always in a grumpy mood, sulks, and never tries, then I have waded into my personal perceptions based on my own filters and judgment.
If I address it in terms of what is known to increase guest satisfaction, like greeting and asking about the guest’s day, then I can address the specifics of what needs to happen to shift an outcome. If we find ourselves projecting what we believe to be someone’s motivations, reasons, or feelings, then we are placing our perceptions onto them instead of seeking to find what is true.
Take ownership of your own feelings and note them. For example, I am feeling disrespected, and I would like you to help me understand what is happening. This is factual for you, and you are seeking to find what is true for the other person. Intuition can be a powerful tool, but it should be a driver to find the truth, not evidence confirming our biases or impressions. Speak from the basis of facts and seek to gain an understanding of motivations from the source.
Is it kind?
Kindness doesn’t necessarily mean nice or pleasant. It is a higher standard. It is ultimately in the best interest of the person or people involved. A conversation about abuses of company property, an intervention about substance abuse, or simply addressing tardiness is never a pleasant conversation, but it may very well be the kindest choice for the person and the organization’s well-being.
Kind means that the intention is to benefit in some form. Sometimes, we share a thought framed with concern, but the underlying intention is to criticize or get an edge. To ask if it is kind is to go deeper and look at our motivations honestly. Before sending an email, consider if you are sending this follow-up email to edify or to point to your superior skills. Am I giving the feedback to my ex-spouse because the kids will benefit or to point out his ineptitude? You have to ask yourself honestly about your motivations.
Is it necessary?
If it is necessary, then the communication is needed in the situation. So many times, we communicate information that, while true and potentially kind, isn’t going to alter or provide valuable information.
If a family member needs a medical procedure and has made a firm decision not to receive it, continuing to give him reasons to do it isn’t beneficial. He is not interested in hearing it or in acting in a new way. While we may wish him well and think that this could help, it would simply be badgering. All the information has been given, and continuing it would be unnecessary even if it came from the kindest heart. That doesn’t mean that we can’t try again if he expresses interest in talking about it.
Much of the time, we communicate because we know and want to help, but if it isn’t going to improve, inform, or change the situation, then it should be reconsidered. Knowing I had spinach in my teeth yesterday probably isn’t beneficial to me today. Yes, it is true, and perhaps the intention is to be helpful and kind, but since the time has passed for change to be made, then it isn’t necessary any longer. In fact, it may send me into a spiral of embarrassment. If the situation cannot be improved or the information isn’t helpful to alter course, then reconsider if it passes this gate of communication.
The filters of the Three Gates allow us space to pause and reflect and give us a structure to consider what we are actually trying to communicate and why. Transparency and open communication are so important, but the motivations around them will determine if they bring us closer together or push us further away.
